FYI- because you can't make this stuff up, I had a major MELT DOWN trying to finish the formatting for my blog on BALANCE!!!
Lately I’ve been “running on empty”. My ability to deal with setbacks is just about non-existent. This time of year in rural Maine is always busy. On top of that I’ve given up (temporary) my search for romance. I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, called the internet. I’ve meet nice men but……. Plus, we are working on an addition, the building has happened during the time of Covid- it has been setback after setback after material shortages after…. These two factors have contributed to a steady draining, making it much harder to bounce back after a small problem, disappointment or a challenge.
Plus I’m a naturally anxious person. I’ve been anxious since birth, perhaps before. I’ve read about generational trauma but don’t know if it’s been scientifically proven. I do believe an energy link of bitter sadness could follow generations where lives have been destroyed on a slave ship on a trail of tears. My anxiety would have started in a stone cottage, a wee weary woman looking out at a rotting potato field, with way too many children squabbling and babies crying and a husband romancing a bottle.
I’ve tried everything to help calm my mind. Yoga for years. Try my best to meditate and feel so proud if I can get a measly five minutes in. I do best when there is some sort of chant- “ommmm”. That seems to help keep my brain in check. Walking and getting outside help especially if I listen to music or a podcast. Otherwise my brain can take over with endless loop of thoughts. A never ending highway.
Only once have I tried treating my symptoms with conventional medicine. It happened during the Trump/Covid years. The never ending worry and drama of that time lead me to binge watch reality shows. My favorite was Queer Eye. Five gay men transforming the world one makeover at a time. There are seven seasons and I watched the show evolve and change reflecting the times. I would pause when Karamo appeared to see what slogan was on his T-shirt- BLM. Kamala. Each guy had a speciality, but there was an overall message of “you are enough and worthy of love, starting with yourself.” I got deep into the shows and how a haircut and pants that fit could help you feel better about yourself. Cleaning your living space could improve your outlook. Small steps with big results. The thing was I found myself crying as people transformed and lived their best life.
I told my doctor about my Queer Eye tears and she suggested a mild anti-depressant. Nothing habit forming but perhaps my anxiety and worry would lessen. I didn’t notice a difference but did notice the outrageous price but kept taking them. I stopped when listening to a favorite trivia podcast and the host mentioned how she always cried watching Queer Eye. It’s weirdly comforting to know others experience and react as we do.
A new season of Queer Eye is on Netflix. I’m reserving the episodes for non-caloric “treats”. The first episode was fantastic, about young men and the need to open and share. I could relate after my dating escapades, dealing with emotions was a challenge for every man I dated. It gave me a bit more compassion as well as some insight but that's another blog. I hope reading this blog made you laugh not cry. But if you did cry I hope it was a good cleansing cry and you feel a bit of relief.